For Now And Forever

Fuck Walmart.

Who Knew?

Who knew a hat could change someone so much.
Who knew a hat could completely flip someone’s perspective.
I’m going to be somebody now.
I know I can do it.
I have a new hat, and it’s making me believe.

Friday Night Drive

I went out Friday night. I took my cousin, my sister, and her new boyfriend out to dinner.

I hate driving.
The only thing I like about it is listening to music.
I plugged my zune in and put it on shuffle.
I skipped so many songs – nothing felt right.
The songs that I did choose, apparently were a sign.
Ironically at the end of the day my sister’s boyfriend said my playlist sounded like Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind.

I had just watched this movie the week before because of a Circa Survive song that was inspired by that movie.

I find it so amazing that these things make connections. This movie means so much more to me than it did before. Now it means something to my life. I need to watch it again, so I can understand.
I couldn’t see how my song choices paralleled this movie, but I want to know. I want to see.

I need to read House of Leaves, too. I’m hoping to get it for my birthday or Christmas.

It’s euphoric to feel music intertwine with my life and experiences. It’s so spiritual, it’s unreal. It makes me want to drop everything, and go on this quest to find the beginning and end to all the strings. By dropping everything, I’d be cutting those strings though, and that cannot be.

“Speak so softly, and low” I like to look at my life like a really long album, and it’s getting really interesting to find all the hidden tracks.

My Dreams Lately

The night before last:

I was driving through taco bell. As I was waiting to order the person with the headset taking my order started talking about me and making fun of me as I was deciding, but they had left their headset on and I could hear everything they were saying. I got so angry, I yelled, “Nevermind!” and pulled up to the window. When I drove past I yelled into the window, “Next time turn off your headset before you talk shit!” and bailed. As I was leaving, though, the whole dream changed. I was then saving these young, naked children and their mother from their abusive father. I’ve had this dream before, I now realize, in which I’m rescuing these children. At first the 2 children and their mother don’t really want to leave because they’re afraid the father will hurt them or hunt them down. Finally I convince them to leave and feel this immense adrenalin rush as we’re getting into a car and hauling away. In the end we are at a house, and they are finally safe. I then find myself reading a greeting card of some sort, and I bring my hands up to my face, as if I’m praying. This feeling of sadness as well as relief sweeps over me, through me. I’m crying and it gets dark, and all I have are these pure, raw emotions, overwhelming me. I still don’t know if it was the feeling of salvation, or sadness that I will never seek that salvation.

Last night:

I’m in the bathroom at a school. My ex best friend and a friend of his walk in while I’m in a stall, and yet I now they are in there without actually seeing them. They are sitting on a bench in the bathroom, next to my back pack. In the stall, I realize that I have no clothes and I brought some with me, but in my back pack. So I proceed to walk out of the stall wearing nothing but a bra and boy shorts underwear. I look beautiful though, and I see my friend and his friend’s jaws drop. I dig through my back pack right next to his friend and they just stare at me. None of the clothes in my bag are the clothes I thought I brought, so I start pulling them all out. There are just a bunch of slips. I finally come across a skirt that is made of a transparent, floral printed material, so I stretch out the top of it so it will fit me, and layer it over a white slip. I somehow find a top and the outfit looks amazing. A segment of the dream is me just standing in front of this mirror trying to fix up this outfit, adjusting the length of the skirt so that the ruffles on the slip don’t show, etc. After I’m dressed, I leave with my ex friend and his friend. The next thing I remember is talking with my ex friend, but I mostly remember screaming at him. I just keep yelling, and he has this sort of smirk on his face. I don’t remember my exact words, but I do remember saying “I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD JUST LEAVE ME FOR NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL!? YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!?” I was crying and upset and it felt so good to just yell it all out. Even though he sat their smirking, I knew he understood, and was sorry, but he was laughing at me, in a way. It was as if he were merely playing a trick on me by telling me he no longer wished to be friends, etc. Like he was joking and in the dream he was coming back to me, laughing at the whole situation in hopes that I would take it lightly.

Maybe those are my wishes. Maybe I just wish that he would think I’m beautiful, even at my most vulnerable, and that it was all just some joke. I know for sure that I wish I could just yell at him, all of those things – or at least I did at one point in my life, or another. Maybe I wish deep down that I could just scream my soul out at him and then everything will be fine again. Maybe deep down I wish that I could solve all my problems by doing that, and that for once in my life, somebody would feel bad when they hurt me.

I’m Not Sure

Is it ok if I zone out while I’m driving? Is it ok for me not to care if I’m being unsafe by losing focus of the road? Is it ok if I sit on the trolley and some days just think, “What if the trolley just crashed somehow and I died today?” and wish it would. I don’t even feel sadness or worry when I think that. I just think, “Wow, that would be great.”

Jealousy

Is my enemy,
my friend,
my energy,
my end,
my loneliness,
my bitterness,
my secret,
my badge.

It festers,
within me,
deep beneath the surface of my skin,
down inside,
where it hides,
and when it’s visible,
it’s unbelievable,
just how terrible,
a person I am.
It’s constantly boiling,
singeing my organs,
making it’s way through my heart.
It’s always growing,
and revealing itself through my actions,
my hatred,
my contempt,
my sadness,
my anger,
my emptiness,
my darkness.
Getting the best of me,
making me my worst,
ruining life for me,
it is my curse.
Enraging me,
provoking me,
consuming me,
infuriating me,
inflaming me,
until I can no longer live.
I can no longer feel.
My experiences are spoiled.
I can’t get my mind to stop,
I can’t seem to let go of the thoughts,
that keep dragging me down,
pulling me further,
into a sea of flames.
I can barely see through the fire,
I can feel it scalding me from the inside.
I am waiting until one day,
all hell will break loose from within the depths of my being.
I’m hoping to free myself of this haunting.
I’m hoping to someday be myself and live the life I’ve been given.
I’m wishing I could get the jealousy off my back,
out of my lungs,
out of it’s circulation in my blood.
Out of my guts,
out of my mind,
out of my machinery.
I wish it would just let me be.
Then maybe I could be happy.

I’d Like To Live

I’d like to live:

deliberately
consciously
safely
enjoyably
easily

I do not fear death as much as others do.
Yet, I fear so much more.
I’d like to live my life without fear.
I’m just like everyone else.
I’m just like the rest of you.
And yet I am alone.

Seeing.

I keep finding pieces of my former self in you. I used to be as helpless, lost and confused. I used to have issues with my priorities and all the battles within me took over my life. They turned me into a monster, and now that is you. All I can do is sit here, smile, and shake my head. For the most part, I have moved past that. I have learned a few lessons and they’ve stuck with me. I’ve been picking up on ways to lessen the amount of stress that bears upon me. Obviously you have a harder time learning – not only in school, but in life as well. Obviously you’re just not going to realize it yet. There is nothing I can do to make you see, and there is nothing that I want to do. I’d rather sit here, because this is life, and maybe one day – if you ever learn anything from all of this – you’ll look back, shake your head and smile, because you’re being really ridiculous. : ) Have a nice life. I’ll be watching from the side-lines.

Like Lotion

Maybe if you keep rubbing it in it will go away . . .

Eclipse

unintentional.